All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice. Will that cleanse my sin from me? No, but itll wipe that stupid smile off your face.Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos, You wont be able to un-see these funny stock photos. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? So whats the most effective way to get out your frustrations while still coming off like the lovable stud/studette that you are? I used to be addicted to soap, but Im clean now. He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. Press J to jump to the feed. He immediately smells alcohol on the priests breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. moments. Darlin.You're hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention. Math teacher: If I have three bottles in one hand and two in the other hand, what do I have? 14. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. So how do we know if theyre grizzly bear droppings? asks one of the ramblers. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. ! Now, in addition to feeling embarrassed, Jenna also feels invalidated. You have to touch them all over before they respond. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield. Since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. ', Dad replies, 'We are your real parents, son. A book just fell on my head. 55 Funny Food Jokes And Puns That Kids Will Relish - Fatherly I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. He replied, Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and Im as jittery as a cat.. Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened? The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. One afternoon, I decided to clean a purse of mine by throwing it into the washing machinespring cleaning and all that. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. I used to be freaked out too when I was alive. Ive never seen anyone run that fast! Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean? He texts back, I dont know, love you and talk to you later. The mom replies, Its OK, dont worry about it. Doctor: Oh, we are in this together. !" It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. Couldn't run a chook raffle. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. Submitted by Joni Krats, Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is call patrons about their overdue items. I said 40. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarahs house and left it there all night. No pun in 10 did. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. Tig Notaro, comedian. Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. Shes been here six months. We recommend our users to update the browser. Im okay, he says, but I didnt like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery. What did he say? the nurse asks. 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That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. Late one evening, Norms doorbell rang. So I had to put my foot down. Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. ", "If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. Corny Dad Jokes We're Embarrassed to Admit Made Us Laugh, 30 Nerd Jokes for People Who Embrace Their Inner Smarty-Pants, These Funny Math Jokes Truly Have No Equal, 20 Smart and Funny Examples of the Nerd Meme, 25 Parents Who Expertly Trolled Their Kids, You Won't Believe These Hilarious Tinder Pickup Lines Actually Worked, The 15 Funniest Harry Potter "Yo Mama" Jokes, 18 Super Funny and Creative Business Cards, Best Anti-Gun Jokes and One-Liners About Gun Control. Im 49.95. When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, Yes, but how much with tax? Submitted by Gilles St-Laurent. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. You're the reason God created the middle finger. You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes! 71. Marie Faustin, comedian. But that's not all. What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?. ._1x9diBHPBP-hL1JiwUwJ5J{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:#ff585b;padding-left:3px;padding-right:24px}._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4{height:16px;padding-right:4px;vertical-align:top}.icon._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5{height:20px;vertical-align:middle;padding-right:8px}.QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{height:18px;padding-right:8px;vertical-align:top}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 .QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)} The only reason Im fat is because a tiny body couldnt store all this personality.[Read: How to be funny and make people love your company], 29. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you wrote the instructions on the heel. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. Whether its the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor. Thesehilarious dog punswill give youpaws. on Instagram: "' Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting. Good Comebacks 1. Hes never gonna give you Up. Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. Finally, he hollers, Hey! 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners God says, No. Tempting fate, I tried it on. In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. He never did any of that!, I tried having my mothers phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dads name, hed have to be the one to put in the request. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? He downs it, leaps off the roofand plummets 15 stories to the ground. Women are like iPhones. Whether youre looking to tell it like it is, or offer someone a confusing truth about human behavior, these quotes to live by are sure to help you out. The landlady answers. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. Now hes the village blacksmith. 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes They always take things literally. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". you couldn't kick jokesmichelle fleury ancestry. We missed the R! ", "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. In the piano! Snake 1: I just bit my lip. Unfortunately, by that point, the opportunity is long gone. 105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh - and cringe 78. Maybe 22, he says. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said, Hi, Ken. No! yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. But hay its in my jeans. What do you call a fake noodle? Not yet.. Rub one ball and everything moves., 7. Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, Im afraid so, said the doctor. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. In addition to the 70 jokes below, we've also got dad jokes , jokes for kiddos , mom jokes , and jokes for holidays that you can share them with the youngest person in the room. "Women are like iPhones. A blind man visits Texas. Brand: Top Craft Case. Yes, says the waiter. Where are average things manufactured? Submitted by Chuck Welch, Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. Whats the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. It is ranked top 3 sports in America. As a result, while in uniform, Im often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. She couldn't control her pupils. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? You may not be able to get your kid to eat their greens, but you can at least get a laugh out of them at the dinner table with this comprehensive list of the funniest food jokes for kids. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel. You think Im cute when Im angry? How far do you think I can kick this bucket. 58 Seriously Messed Up Jokes You'll Feel Guilty Laughing At Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside. A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning: Windows frozen! His wife texts back, Pour lukewarm water over it. Five minutes later he replies: Computer completely messed up now.Submitted by Catherine Hiscox. Without hesitation, the man says: Never mind, I found one!, I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. Theres a smartass quote for that. Please, not while Im eating.Submitted by Shirleen Slabber, I got an A on my very first university English paper. How do you know? My dog told me.Submitted by Sourabh Bhatia, A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. My father-in-law calmly shook his head. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes Don't be the person to initiate that. Ugh! the student groaned. Dont miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals. He never had a chance!, The man says, I dont know about that. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners
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